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"I  Fear People Don't Want to Love Me, They Want to Collect Me," 1998, 145 x 45 in.
"I  Fear People Don't Want to Love Me,
They Want to Collect Me," 1998, 145 x 45 in.

(Text below is written on canvas:)

I have this fear, people don't want to love me, they want to collect me, pin
my wings, and make me pay.
I came to the edge of the abyss and I fell in and drowned--
I died, and died, a daily death, I prayed to God to take my life
and give my vital energy to someone more deserving.
I did spiritual cpr on myself
I have pinch-hitting angels -- friends who have restored my faith,
hopes and dreams -- my wants and desires.
I have to run and make art to feel alive, to survive.
I run past the Holocaust Museum and I pray
I wish I could send something of myself back to the people, the mommies and
dads, the grandparents and babies all those people throughout Europe, who
where uprooted, tortured, degraded, enslaved, operated on with out anesthesia,
human experiments, those who killed themselves and their children, those who
had the courage to help,
those who survived and had the optimism to have children--
I run by the memorial to their courage, their memories and I wish so many
pray deeply--
all around the world man's inhumanity to man leaves horrendous graves and
scars on peoples' souls, I have 70 channels and anything that happens in the
world comes into my living room via tv. I have so much--a home, food, 2 cats,
family and friends.
I am so grateful for everything and everybody in my life. I feel relief, the
day to day
night to night death wishes are gone. I don't pray to God to take my life
I pray to live in a world with peace, food, healthcare for people in the
global world we
live-- I pray for strength to hold onto my spiritual integrity and to be
discerning in my life choices. There is a technological highway running thru
my mind. I have to latex my mind and my genitals. Be discerning with regard
to the messages emitted via the media, make my own decisions about what I read
and see on tv/film-- the same with potential lovers--it's about discernment,
good choices, understanding right from wrong and taking responsibility. I
don't feel fear anymore. I want to get married and have children; My art--I
want to make people think and feel. I want to live. I don't want to forget
but I want to have faith and hope in humanity. I thought God turned
his/her back and I was wrong.
With the ever-evolving technological revolution, ever expanding population
there seems to be more people addicted to anything that will distract them
from their pain; their disconnection with God or some divine source. Some
people get addicted to power, fame, some are addicted to sex, the next
conquest, drugs, shopping, purchasing, tv, computers, the internet, bingeing,
some become addicted to pain, sadness, inertia.
don't run away from painful emotions or cover them up with
alcohol, food, sex, no one escapes pain, some people worship celebrity,
and think fame and money will make them happy--NO--
celebrity can take all your weaknesses and amplify them
the "grass is greener" syndrome
the grass isn't necessarily greener.
Carolyn Myss talks about "attitude of gratitude"
I look at Serge Klarsfeld's book of "French Children of Holocaust" with
pictures of beautiful children. My heart breaks intensely for a moment, feel
terrible pain
I can't get stuck in the sadness anymore
Thank God for people who help us remember
I cannot fathom acts of cruelty, destruction that are happening at this very
moment all around the world but I comfort myself the good people, the good
acts are far greater.
"When people sexualize"
sex without love
they look at you like you are body parts
I am so much more than my body parts
I try to be the best parts of my humanity.
Cellular phone
who are you calling?
Whom do you want to be connected to?
On a cellular level
Whom do you really want to connect with?

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